It's not easy to write and it's even harder to be honest while doing it.

I must admit, I let life shape me to become this person who just can't express what I feel. It's so damn hard, let me tell you about that. There is just so much vulnerability in pouring your heart into words. It's like opening a scar and let flowers to go through it. Unrealistic? Well that's how we see our writings. Like seconds before you jump of the cliff. A 3 second moment once you hit the water, where everything feels so real, and so slow. You feel waters coming into your nose and ears, bubbles came out from the water because of the weight of your body, voices slowly turns into silent. And it's just you, your body, and everything that you feel.
And just like being underwater, sometimes writing scares us that it'll drown us if we take too much time in it. But there's something just so peaceful about it. To let the blood, tears, joy, everything came out of the ink (or fingers if you're a tech person).

6 months ago, slowly I was unable to write about what I feel. It frustrate me so much that I think of other ideas to let all this feelings came out of my chest. And yes, I feel a lot. A lot than what I show and maybe a lot than what you think. Realising how much I relate songs to what I feel, I decided to let it out through songs that shows what is happening inside of me. Does it scares me? Oh yes it still does. But along the way, it became so beautiful that I was able to feel again some things that I forget, it brings back so many memories. I was making it for my own pleasure that I didn't know how it effects other people. One by one, many of you came and told me how those songs I pick speaks a lot to your situation. I cried so much inside. My only dream is to have my life touch others. And slowly it happens.

And today, this playlist is the 6th. I can't believe I literally spent the whole semester telling my story through curated songs, it feels so good. But to do some justice to myself, this time through this playlist, I decided to share with you a deeper meaning from every songs that I pick. How it touches my heart and how it relate to my life experience throughout this month. Hope it gives you too some justice to understand why I pick what I pick, or maybe just feeding your curiosity about it.

Here we go.

1. Out of the Clouds - Emily King

The moment I first hear this song, I was on the couch at 2:30 am. It was a tough day for me, as far as I can remember. I think I was feeling so much hurt and confusion but there's just something about me that just don't want that feeling to go. Feeling of maybe, just maybe, some things might change. This song speaks about 2 person who was in so much distance, that I believe was made on purpose. The woman wishes that she would receive some comfort from someone she misses dearly. She keeps her hopes in a place that she knows whom she misses will find. The man was actually feeling the same way, but he was dealing with a lot of confusion and it scares him to actually approach to her. They know what they're feeling are temporary, or even unreal. But they saw an opening from both hearts, where they purposely leave it open because they just don't want to let that feeling go. That openness and hope is what I felt and Emily's voice that is just so beautiful I can't get over it. 

 2. Lost Stars - Keira Knightley

Well, aren't we all? This song pops out of my head when I was thinking about where life is taking me. Have you ever experience that feeling of being lost? Where life is being so unpredictable, you just don't know where it's going. I think we all will came to that phase, one way or another. Whether it's a middle age crisis or a yearly crisis. One part of this song that I really like goes like this:

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?

Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality

Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we're dancing in our tears

Who we are afraid of becoming can haunt our minds, but the reality is in our hands. Out of the confusion that portrays through this song, it really gives me hope.

3. Edge of Desire - John Mayer

Aside from Mayer looking extremely good in his artwork, this song is the only song that speaks the words that I honestly afraid to say. There's a lot of people that I miss dearly and I was afraid to tell about how I feel. I won't say I was being lonely, but I was feeling a disconnection between my ability to reach people and how empty I was feeling. I was longing a real connection that it was the last thing that I desire from everyone and everything. I admire Mayer's ability to be honest (or how he speaks for someone else). Like how can a human being just do that?

5. Tak Sendiri - Monita Tahalea ft. Gabriela Cristy

I might be so late, but her album helped me out in many of my circumstances. She's an angel, a friend, and such a talented being. This song specifically speaks through what I was feeling and how I find closure with God. I guess we all will experience loss, confusion, anger, etc but deep inside we also know that our own abilities (no matter how strong we are) couldn't compare to His greatness. And it took such a humility to admit that. But once we overcome our own pride and run to the One who is greater than everything, it just heals a lot of pain. Though problems might not run away from our lives, but there's just so much grace for us to deal with it. If, if only we came to Him. And like this song, His closeness wipes away all my doubts and fears. It was a beautiful experience.

6. Sebagai Kawan - Banda Neira ft. Jeremia Kimosabe

I experience so much disappointments. While it teaches me a lot about forgiveness. The moment I finally could release all the hate, this song speaks about my heart. And somehow it helped me to speak to my own pain and asking it to become a friend. To go with me side by side, while it teaches me everyday that people will get hurt, it's inevitable. It also touches me a lot whereas this month I  met many wonderful friends that strengthen and gives me so much love. It was those people that at first I underestimate and never even think of, but they become a saviour in my desperate moments. This song speaks about so much love, trust, and honesty about how there is no person that could go through life alone.

So here it is, 5 songs that represent the things about the journey I've been through in the first 6 months of 2018. I hope my story could inspire you to open up, to turn every struggles into beautiful things. As I am still learning, I hope this could strengthen you. Brings many flowers into your hearts. Enjoy the playlist and enjoy the 2nd half of 2018.

JUNE 2018