Embracing the Art of Resting

Hi! It's really, really been a while isn't?

Life has been one crazy ride. It's rapid, it's hectic, yet it is good. I have been working endlessly at one of Jakarta's newest creative lab, volunteering at my local church, and having a great time with life. Though there are some ups and downs in life, it always seems like getting better and better.

Until last Friday, I woke up with sore all over my left body. Let me tell ya, it's one of the worst feeling you could ever imagine. It became worse everyday until the next Tuesday, I was diagnosed with respiratory infection. This disease is very common, but it hurts a lot. 

I'm used to a very packed life. The kind that needs you to have maximum energy to do anything, anytime. Brain thinking 24/7 nonstop. It got to a point that I didn't realise it's hurting me so bad until this full week of rest. I do nothing but eat, sleep, take meds, and Netflix. It's frustrating and fun at the least. For me it is. But at the same time, I got to learn how to really embrace the art of resting.

We under appreciate it somehow. We got tired of working and yet we still manage the time to get few drinks here and there. We know we should be home at this hour and pack ourselves with work on bed with a thought "I'm saving myself more free time." When in fact, we're not.

I learned that the more time you waste while hurting your body, the more you're going to suffer in the future. My long week thought me this: to appreciate and acknowledge that everything has its own timing. There is time to rest, to play, to work and obviously to waste. Especially this week, I got to have time in reflecting who I was and who I am today, the choices I've made along the way, and what I'm going to do about it in the future.

I learned my lesson and never want to go back to this week ever again.
So thank you and it's nice to meet you again, 8 hours of sleep.

#SebuahCeritaFiksi Ingin Merasa Kembali

Hari itu hari Minggu, 3:36 dini hari. Sambil menguncir rambutnya yang hampir tidak bisa dikuncir, ia menaiki mobil tua milik ayahnya. Melabuh entah kemana tujuannya, juga pikirannya. Ia mengambil telepon genggamnya, memasang lagu sendu yang ia tau tidak seharusnya ia putar. Mencari nama yang tidak seharusnya ia telepon. Ah, memandang namanya saja rasa itu timbul kembali. Ia lempar telepon genggamnya ke kursi sebelahnya sambil terus berjalan kedepan. Sampailah ia ke sebuah pesisir pantai, tidak jauh dari rumahnya.

Apa yang ia rasakan, kau tanya? Hampa. Sudah 1 bulan ini ia menjauhi panggilan terapis yang direkomendasikan oleh orang tuanya. Ada yang salah pada dirinya yang ia coba untuk buang jauh-jauh. Kalau sakit kenapa tidak berobat? Semua orang berkata demikian. Ingin rasanya ia buang jauh-jauh rasa gelisah yang menghantui dirinya. Sudah 2 minggu tidak bisa tidur tenang, sudah segala cara ia lakukan untuk menyembuhkan dirinya sendiri.

Membakar seputung rokok yang perlahan akan menghancurkan paru-parunya, ia menitikkan air mata sambil menghisap batang itu secara mendalam. “Kapan terakhir kali aku merasa?” pikirnya. Ia tau dirinya dicintai banyak orang namun kenapa rasanya tidak cukup? Ia berjalan ke pesisir pantai, memejamkan matanya dan merasakan setiap ombak air yang menyentuh kedua kaki mungilnya. Matahari perlahan naik mencium langit. Sinarnya menyentuh rambut cokelat terang nya, membuka mata dan menghela napas dalam-dalam.

5:45 pagi, ia berjalan kembali ke mobilnya dan berpulang ke rumah. Bergegas memasak air panas, mandi dan mencoba hidup satu hari lagi.

Catatan Tengah Malam

If you can do anything in this world for one last time, what would you do?

I’ve been thinking about this recently. Through some events that had myself thinking about what has gone wrong and what has gone right. Of all the hatred and the love that has come by. Of all those second chances and the ones that won’t come back. It caught me in the middle of the night, alone, with some Ed Sheeran jams I’ve heard numerous times.

Amongst all emotions that humans experience, I guess regret is the strongest one. It leads to either breakdown or gratefulness, both gave birth to a realisation and opens a brand new perspective of yourself, also about those around you.

As to the answer to my first question, I bet all our answers came from something we regret of not doing or not striving to be able of doing so. Telling the truth, giving more kisses, work harder, travel around the world, you name it.

It was all placed in the back of our head all along but due to some circumstances that only each of us know, it became a dream that never happened.

And to answer that question on my own, I would neglect all doubts, the root of all regret. Doubts of telling the truth, giving more kisses, work harder to actually travel the world. When that regret comes, we might just numb it out or actually pay it back. Before that time comes, regret peaking through our windows, cast the doubts. Cast those images in your mind that most likely, would only exists in your own mind.

Catatan Tentang Senja Tahun 2015

Aku sedang dijalan, merenungi apa yang bisa direnguni. Dari sisi kiriku turunlah matahari yang telah seharian menyinari bumi. Lambat laun, cahayanya meredup. Perlahan dan perlahan, hingga tiada lagi nampaknya.

Mungkinkah senja itu kita, yang kini tengah berubah?
Yang dulunya siang, kini menjadi malam. 

Namun sayang bila berlarut menangisi perubahannya. Cepat atau lambat, pasti terjadi.
Lihat dari sudut pandang lain.
Tanpa senja, tiada malam.
Tanpa malam, tiada waktu untuk mencinta.

Panggil perubahan itu senja, singkat dan berarti.
Diam sejenak, perhatikan, kamu akan mengerti keindahannya.

It's not easy to write and it's even harder to be honest while doing it.

I must admit, I let life shape me to become this person who just can't express what I feel. It's so damn hard, let me tell you about that. There is just so much vulnerability in pouring your heart into words. It's like opening a scar and let flowers to go through it. Unrealistic? Well that's how we see our writings. Like seconds before you jump of the cliff. A 3 second moment once you hit the water, where everything feels so real, and so slow. You feel waters coming into your nose and ears, bubbles came out from the water because of the weight of your body, voices slowly turns into silent. And it's just you, your body, and everything that you feel.
And just like being underwater, sometimes writing scares us that it'll drown us if we take too much time in it. But there's something just so peaceful about it. To let the blood, tears, joy, everything came out of the ink (or fingers if you're a tech person).

6 months ago, slowly I was unable to write about what I feel. It frustrate me so much that I think of other ideas to let all this feelings came out of my chest. And yes, I feel a lot. A lot than what I show and maybe a lot than what you think. Realising how much I relate songs to what I feel, I decided to let it out through songs that shows what is happening inside of me. Does it scares me? Oh yes it still does. But along the way, it became so beautiful that I was able to feel again some things that I forget, it brings back so many memories. I was making it for my own pleasure that I didn't know how it effects other people. One by one, many of you came and told me how those songs I pick speaks a lot to your situation. I cried so much inside. My only dream is to have my life touch others. And slowly it happens.

And today, this playlist is the 6th. I can't believe I literally spent the whole semester telling my story through curated songs, it feels so good. But to do some justice to myself, this time through this playlist, I decided to share with you a deeper meaning from every songs that I pick. How it touches my heart and how it relate to my life experience throughout this month. Hope it gives you too some justice to understand why I pick what I pick, or maybe just feeding your curiosity about it.

Here we go.

1. Out of the Clouds - Emily King

The moment I first hear this song, I was on the couch at 2:30 am. It was a tough day for me, as far as I can remember. I think I was feeling so much hurt and confusion but there's just something about me that just don't want that feeling to go. Feeling of maybe, just maybe, some things might change. This song speaks about 2 person who was in so much distance, that I believe was made on purpose. The woman wishes that she would receive some comfort from someone she misses dearly. She keeps her hopes in a place that she knows whom she misses will find. The man was actually feeling the same way, but he was dealing with a lot of confusion and it scares him to actually approach to her. They know what they're feeling are temporary, or even unreal. But they saw an opening from both hearts, where they purposely leave it open because they just don't want to let that feeling go. That openness and hope is what I felt and Emily's voice that is just so beautiful I can't get over it. 

 2. Lost Stars - Keira Knightley

Well, aren't we all? This song pops out of my head when I was thinking about where life is taking me. Have you ever experience that feeling of being lost? Where life is being so unpredictable, you just don't know where it's going. I think we all will came to that phase, one way or another. Whether it's a middle age crisis or a yearly crisis. One part of this song that I really like goes like this:

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?

Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality

Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we're dancing in our tears

Who we are afraid of becoming can haunt our minds, but the reality is in our hands. Out of the confusion that portrays through this song, it really gives me hope.

3. Edge of Desire - John Mayer

Aside from Mayer looking extremely good in his artwork, this song is the only song that speaks the words that I honestly afraid to say. There's a lot of people that I miss dearly and I was afraid to tell about how I feel. I won't say I was being lonely, but I was feeling a disconnection between my ability to reach people and how empty I was feeling. I was longing a real connection that it was the last thing that I desire from everyone and everything. I admire Mayer's ability to be honest (or how he speaks for someone else). Like how can a human being just do that?

5. Tak Sendiri - Monita Tahalea ft. Gabriela Cristy

I might be so late, but her album helped me out in many of my circumstances. She's an angel, a friend, and such a talented being. This song specifically speaks through what I was feeling and how I find closure with God. I guess we all will experience loss, confusion, anger, etc but deep inside we also know that our own abilities (no matter how strong we are) couldn't compare to His greatness. And it took such a humility to admit that. But once we overcome our own pride and run to the One who is greater than everything, it just heals a lot of pain. Though problems might not run away from our lives, but there's just so much grace for us to deal with it. If, if only we came to Him. And like this song, His closeness wipes away all my doubts and fears. It was a beautiful experience.

6. Sebagai Kawan - Banda Neira ft. Jeremia Kimosabe

I experience so much disappointments. While it teaches me a lot about forgiveness. The moment I finally could release all the hate, this song speaks about my heart. And somehow it helped me to speak to my own pain and asking it to become a friend. To go with me side by side, while it teaches me everyday that people will get hurt, it's inevitable. It also touches me a lot whereas this month I  met many wonderful friends that strengthen and gives me so much love. It was those people that at first I underestimate and never even think of, but they become a saviour in my desperate moments. This song speaks about so much love, trust, and honesty about how there is no person that could go through life alone.

So here it is, 5 songs that represent the things about the journey I've been through in the first 6 months of 2018. I hope my story could inspire you to open up, to turn every struggles into beautiful things. As I am still learning, I hope this could strengthen you. Brings many flowers into your hearts. Enjoy the playlist and enjoy the 2nd half of 2018.

JUNE 2018